February 9, 2021
I don’t know why I didn’t think of this sooner. My fans, bless their hearts, need as much Petunia as they can get. Guy is torturing them, I just know it. Since this nasty shit they call snow started, he’s barely putting out any content on the channel. I hate it. I can’t connect with those who adore me. I can’t even connect with my husband. He’s constantly outside shoveling snow, checking stuff on the car, and bitching about our walkways. Seriously? This isn’t a good setting for a country girl, y’all. Especially, me. I need attention. I’m high maintenance, ya know.
When I was at the warehouse, Rena would show up for work griping about snow every now and then. Up here, it’s constant. It doesn’t seem to go away. Just when I think it’s going to thaw out enough for me to step outside, BAM! Another ton of that white shit falls to the ground and I’m trapped. I feel like a caged animal or something. I want sunshine and sweet tea on my gazebo not sweaters and so much hot chocolate my eyes are floating. According to Sage, it’s cold back home in Tennessee but they’re getting random days of nice weather. She said that white shit’s been falling there about once a week but it melts fast. Up here, that shit has moved in to stay. We should be charging it rent!
So, I thought I would give everyone an update on our lives since I can’t get out of the house to live it. Let’s start with my gorgeous little namesake, Petunia the Cow. She’s so precious. Guy built her a nice barn. You know Guy, he bitches about everything, but he was really proud of it when it was finished. With all this cold, it’s hard for me to go out and feed her. I can’t stay out there in that long. Me sneaking her in the backdoor hasn’t helped Guy’s shitty attitude this winter has created. When he finds her eating carrots out of the fridge he yells a bit. I don’t really care though. I pull out the waterworks and cry about how I never get to see her and he calms down a bit. After a little time, he takes her back out to the barn and we do the same shit the next day. It’s part of our routine.
Freaky Fred is still banging Marcy. Apparently, she has one hell of an appetite. The poor dude comes home sometimes just to get away from her. Guy says it’s from all those years she’s been without a man. He calls it, “knocking the dust off it.” I didn’t know a hoohah got dusty, but I guess it can if you don’t tend to it.
The other cousins are still wild and tacky as ever. Renee and Shelia are constantly calling that little Amish fella. I don’t think he’s supposed to have a phone up there, but it’s not like I’m gonna tell on him. I think it’s all cute. What I don’t like is all the nasty pictures they keep sending him. Guy says that shit is lost out there in the cloud somewhere and eventually gonna end up online. I always wondered how the online world worked but I had no idea it ran up there in the clouds. Fascinating!!
Sylvia and Brenda are doing great in their relationships. I never imagined Brenda would settle down. I mean, she’s still crazy as a bed bug and likes to get wild on the channel from time to time, but I think she’s in love. With Sylvia, there’s no doubt. That delivery guy knocked her off her feet in a big way. Their new thing is using boxes in their foreplay. Him screaming, “special delivery,” all night gets annoying but whatever keeps things exciting for them, I guess. I’m thankful Brenda moved in with her woman. The stories she tells us, let’s just say there’s certain things the ears of a lady shouldn’t hear.
I’ve been keeping in touch with the girls at the warehouse. From what I understand, Sage is considering starting a blog too. She said it would be a great way for those girls to get culture and stay connected to the world. I doubt Bob will let it happen, but I guess we’ll see. Sage has a way of getting what she wants.
Anyway, I guess that’ll do it for my first blog/diary entry. This is so much fun. I think I’ll definitely do it more often. I may even let the cousins hop on here. Then again, I may not. You know how I like being the center of attention. Love to you all and I hope everyone survives all this white shit out there. It may take me out in the end. Dying from boredom is a real thing y’all.