It’s Valentine’s Day, my favorite holiday. This is the day Guy is supposed to show me just how much he loves me, right? I’m a bit confused this morning. I woke up expecting flowers, gifts, and chocolates. You know what I had? A new skimpy piece of lingerie a lady like me shouldn’t be wearing. It didn’t even cover my nipples. Yes, I know, it should make me feel good that Guy thinks I’m so sexy, which, if we’re being honest, I am. That’s besides the point. Is it just me, or is this gift more for him than it is me? Yes, I like sex. Well, love it, actually but I don’t need a piece of barely there scratchy ass material to make me feel sexy. Doesn’t he realize who he’s messing with here? I’m Petunia, y’all. I own my sex appeal.
I believe in giving my man gifts on special days too. I sat and thought hard about the new laptop I ordered him for Valentine’s. No, it’s not romantic but this is Guy, y’all. The last time he said he bought me something romantic it was a new sex swing. I thought going practical would be my best bet with him. I mean, how do we make our living? My sexy ass plastered online, that’s how. So, he needs good equipment. I used some of my bake off earnings to make sure he got the real expensive laptop he’s been eyeing for the past two months. That’s the kind of silicone bride I am. Now, I’m rethinking this whole gift giving shit.
I talked with Busty first thing this morning. That heifer got flowers, chocolates, cute lingerie, and even some jewelry. That woman of hers knows how it’s done. I told her what Guy did. She thought it was hilarious, of course. She says I should’ve expected it. I immediately started to pass off his gesture as a guy thing. I was wrong, it’s a GUY thing. Sylvia’s delivery man showed up at the door on one knee singing her a love song he wrote. He had all the right stuff too. Sage even told me Big Richie got her chocolates. Yes, they were shaped like penises but come on, if Big Richie can be romantic, Guy can too, right?
Busty and I came up with a plan. She said I needed to show Guy what it’s like. We searched around online while he was out shoveling the damn driveway again. I don’t know why he’s obsessed with that thing considering we aren’t leaving the house. I’m making us a romantic dinner for two. My whorish cousins can fend for themselves. Anyway, while he was out there, Busty and I found just the thing for him. If all Guy can think about on Valentine’s Day is getting a free glimpse of my nipples, I felt an expedited order of stuff to spruce up his balls was in order. It has scrub, deodorizer, and even comes in a heart-shaped box with a pair of boxers. Two can play this game y’all and Petunia is gonna come out on top. I’ll let you know how it goes after the rest of the night progresses. Surely, he’ll see the error of his way and rush out to get me all the romantic things I deserve, right?
Until next time, loves Happy Valentine’s Day!!