Getting By

It’s been a while, huh? I’ve needed to sit down and do this for a long time, but I just haven’t had it in me. This most likely won’t be read by anyone, and that’s fine. Honestly, I think it’s for me more than anything. Yes, I did the big vanishing act. It started with missing a deadline, then another. I’ve never been one to make up excuses. Everything just got away from me and I couldn’t keep up. Working 2 jobs, family, and writing, it all became too much. I wanted to be everywhere at once, but I was stretched too thin. I felt like I was going downhill. My health was declining, I couldn’t think straight, and I was neglecting everyone. Then, I got hit with some great news. I was going to be a Grandmother. You can’t imagine how excited I was. My daughter-in-law, Sarah, worked with me. We were together almost every day. To say we were close was an understatement. Sure, like any daughter-in-law, we would sometimes butt heads, but it was a great relationship. We were friends. We were family. I suppose you’re noticing how I’m using the phrase “were”. I’m still trying to cope with what happened. I was there through the entire pregnancy. I witnessed Sarah blossoming into an amazing mom-to-be. I helped get her to Dr. appointments, took care of her at work, and tried to be there for both her and my son, Cody. It was a great time. Then the baby came on July 20, 2022. Our beautiful, Camilla Sage. She was born with a head full of dark hair like her momma and looked like my Cody when he was a baby. Sarah went through delivery like it was nothing. Sure, she was scared, but she was always a tough cookie when it came to things like that. Cody was a nervous wreck. He hadn’t been around a baby since his sister was born. Amber was 16 at the time Camilla entered the world so it had been a bit. Things were great, wonderful, and beautiful for 9 days. Then I got a call that I’ll never forget. Sarah’s mom was screaming into the phone, “she’s not breathing.” Instantly my heart dropped and we rushed to get there. With a 9-day-old baby, that’s your first thought. It wasn’t Camilla, thank the Lord above. It was our Sarah. She was sitting in a chair, talking with Cody and suddenly her heart just stopped. The Drs tried. They truly did. They and the machines did everything they could for 2 days, but…she was gone. I was there, with Cody and her mom every second. I prayed. I begged. Then, I told our sweet girl goodbye. It was devastating.

Sarah was only 24. My son, Cody, is only 26. The idea of being on his own with a newborn was scary. He needed help. He needed us all. Work, writing, and life, in general, went on the back burner. I had to take care of my family. Cody was lost. Amber was devastated. And we had a baby who needed us all. The 31st of this month will be 6 months since we lost her. Cody has learned how to be a wonderful dad. Camilla loves him so much. You know how it is. When he leaves for work or just leaves the room, she is looking for him. It’s precious to see. My Amber has stepped into the role of Auntie Amber. She has learned how to make bottles, change diapers, play with a baby, and make Camilla laugh. I backed off a bit from one of my jobs so I could help with babysitting so Cody wouldn’t be worrying so much. I love the time I get to spend with our little angel. It’s still hard though. As a mom, I sit and think about everything Sarah is missing. Then there’s how much I miss her. She was always with me. Me, her, and Amber would go out for tea or coffee on our days off. We’d go shopping. We barely did anything without her being with us. The absence is crushing. My babies are in therapy to help them cope with it. I’m doing my best to be there for everyone and get used to a life where our Sarah is gone. 10 years as part of our family just wasn’t enough.

When it comes to the world of Rena Marin, though, I’m still lost. I sat down and tried to write but the words wouldn’t come. Maybe it’s too soon? I don’t know. The thoughts are there. The ideas still churn. It’s the actual doing it that holds me up. I lost a lot of connections as well. I know people were disappointed in me for not making deadlines and letting them down. That lingers in the back of my mind too. I lost friendships. I know I did. That hurts, but it was my fault. I own that. This isn’t me trying to fix all that. No, this is simply me offering an update, sharing what happened, and letting anyone who is still interested in what’s happening with me know that I’m here. I’m getting by as best I can but it’s taking time to get back to normal. My family needs me. What more can I say.

If you read this, thank you. I hope it makes sense and people can understand why I took a step back. Hopefully, a little creativity, if I ever had any, starts flowing again. If it does, I hope to see you all in that wickedly twisted world.

Lots of Love,

Rena

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